March 2, 2010

Don't Let Bitterness Poison Your Marriage

Sabrina Beasley

For nearly two centuries, Beethoven's death was a mystery. The famous
musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain. His
dying wish was that his illness would be discovered so that "the world
may be reconciled to me after my death."


In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of
Beethoven's end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his
killer-lead poisoning.1

More than likely, it was a little poison in everyday activities that
took his life. It could have come from drinking out of lead lined cups
or having dinner on a lead lined plate-both common household items in
that day. Or perhaps it came from eating contaminated fish or even the
extensive consumption of wine. It didn't come in one lump sum, but the
lead killed him slowly and quietly-one little bit of poison at a time.

That's also how bitterness destroys a marriage. It stores itself in the
soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It's a blade meant for
another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it.

Recently, I have witnessed what a bitter wife does to a relationship.
The problems with her husband are real, and her anger is justified.
However, what keeps their marriage from healing is not only the problems
that he has to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness she guards in
her heart.

Little by little, day by day, she has allowed this bitterness to poison
her. Her husband will do something disappointing, and instead of
confronting the problem, she silently holds it against him. He continues
to make the same mistakes, and she continues to harbor her resentment.

This pattern has gone on for years, and now the love she once felt has
numbed and hardened her heart. Recently she walked out on their marriage
wearing a list of her husband's transgressions as her armor. Reflecting
back on his behavior, she nurses her wounds with words that assure her
that their marriage was a mistake-"I knew it all along," she says.

What Causes Bitterness?

In every marriage, a husband or wife does something that hurts the
other. It's bound to happen because none of us is perfect. And in some
cases, a spouse has a habit of doing the same thing over and over again,
even after the behavior is confronted.

Bitterness comes when you hold onto hurt and refuse to forgive the
person that hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of
ongoing actions of a small nature-lack of understanding, misuse of
finances, harsh comments-that build up over time. Each offense takes
residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left
before the wife has had enough. That's when bitterness is manifested and
causes the most damage.

What's Wrong With Bitterness?

A hardened heart can cause a lot of pain. Here are three reasons why
bitterness should be removed from your heart as soon as possible.

First, bitterness harbors unforgiveness. You may feel justified in your
anger. You may think that your husband doesn't deserve your forgiveness
until he straightens himself out. But have you forgotten the mercy that
Jesus had for you? Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us while we
were yet sinners. By God's grace, He didn't wait for us to "get our acts
together" before He provided a way for forgiveness. He gave it to us
freely even when we didn't deserve it. At Golgotha as the soldiers
gambled for Jesus' clothing, the dying innocent Christ prayed, "Father,
forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing" (Luke 23:34). If
forgiveness is given freely to us, how much more should we give it to
our husbands?

Not only should you desire forgiveness simply because it was given so
freely to you, but also, the Bible tells us that there are consequences
for unforgiveness. Jesus said, "If you forgive others for their
transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you
do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your
transgressions" (Matthew 6:14-15). Seek forgiveness not only for the
sake of your husband, but also for yourself.

The other day, I found that my disappointment in my friend was turning
into its own form of bitterness. So I sought the Scriptures for
guidance. As always, the Word of God shone brilliant light on my own
darkness. I was so moved by the verse I read that I wrote it down over
and over until there was no more room left on the note page. "For
judgment will be merciless to one who has shown no mercy; mercy triumphs
over judgment" (James 2:13).

I wonder how many hurting marriages would be healed if Christian
husbands and wives learned to love mercy as much as they love justice?

Second, bitterness doesn't give your husband a chance to repent. If
you've been holding in your hurt, your husband may not even know he's
offended you. Bitterness often comes from hurt that has been suppressed
without communication, like filling up a bottle with pressure-eventually
that bottle will explode. In the same way, the outburst in your heart
can result in a broken marriage, and your spouse never even saw it
coming. In this case, go ahead and tell him what's been bothering you.
Sit down and try to work it out.

Perhaps your husband does know of your unhappiness, but he chooses to
continue in the same patterns. This does not negate your responsibility
to remove the bitterness from your heart. You still need to give him the
chance to repent, although stronger measures, such as, marriage
counseling may need to take place.

You may ask, "How many times does he have to do something before I'm
justified in my bitterness?" In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter had a similar
problem. He asked Jesus how many times he needed to forgive someone,
even questioning as many as seven times. But Jesus said, "I do not say
to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." No matter how
many times your husband may do something, you are still responsible to
forgive him.

(Note: If your husband is physically abusing you, get out of your house
and do not stay there. A person who is physically abusive needs
extensive counseling and rehabilitation. However, no matter how the
situation ends, you can still work on forgiveness from the heart.)

Third, bitterness spreads. Have you ever seen a piece of moldy bread? It
appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you looked at the
bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading
throughout the slice. What appears on the surface doesn't reflect what's
really happening below.

Bitterness grows the same way. One little bit of bitterness can start to
spread throughout your heart, and contaminate your whole body. It will
start to manifest itself in your attitude, demeanor, and even your
health.

In addition, the spreading can also affect your children and your
family. Have you ever noticed how one person's criticism makes everyone
else critical, too? It's the same with bitterness. Paul compares it to
yeast when he writes, "A little leaven, leavens the whole lump"
(Galatians 5:6). When you bring bitterness into your life it extends to
your family, your church body, and everyone else who is involved in your
life.

Getting Rid of Bitterness

You may feel like there is little hope left for your marriage
relationship. You may be so full of bitterness that you've convinced
yourself that your marriage could never be healed, but let me assure you
that the healing begins with yourself. With God, all things are possible
(Matthew 19:26). Here are four steps to take to begin healing from
bitterness.

First, confess your bitterness as a sin. It's so easy to justify our
attitude when we've been hurt, but the Bible teaches that bitterness is
a sin. Hebrews 12:14-15 says, "Pursue peace with all men, and the
sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no
one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness
springing up causes trouble, and by it may be defiled..." You must seek
peace with your husband and the grace to forgive.

Second, ask for God's strength to forgive your husband and diligently
seek that forgiveness. In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul exhorts us to "Let all
bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from
you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." It's
hard to be tender-hearted to a man who has hurt you, but it is possible.
We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us
strength through the Holy Spirit (Colossians 2:9-11).

Third, make a list of your hurts and find a time to talk to your husband
about it. After you've made your list, pray about which things you can
let go and which need to be resolved. If you can let them go, then do
so. You may want to physically scratch off each one that you can forgive
as an act of faith. Then for those transgressions that are left, ask God
to give you the strength to talk to your husband about them.

Before talking to your spouse, let him know that you plan to set aside
some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk,
keep the discussion productive. Start by confessing your own sins to
him. Then talk to him about your hurts. Don't just dump all your
irritations and criticisms on him, but speak in love with gentleness and
rationale.

If you feel like you can't talk to your husband alone, then ask a pastor
or mentor couple to join you in the discussion. Make sure your husband
knows that someone else will be there. Once you begin, your spouse may
deny his behavior or even become irritated. But the object of the
discussion is to expose the wounds, not to accuse. Keep love the main
motivator of your communication.

Fourth, worry about changing yourself, not your husband. You cannot
change your spouse-only God can. But what you can do is allow God to
change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how
can you take the speck out of your husband's eye? (Matthew 7:3). You,
too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your husband
and need to be mended. Even though your husband's sin goes unresolved
for now, he will answer for them one day before God (Matthew 10:26). In
the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your
heart.

Footnotes:
1. "Beethoven Was Poisoned", Thursday, 19 October 2000, News in Science.