January 7, 2010

Marriage 911: Dr. David Hawkins
Tired of Trying to Fix Your Spouse?

I recently worked intensively with a young couple, Stu and Carrie, who
are separated and trying to repair their marriage. After years of
conflict, with little resolution, Carrie decided she finally had to
leave Stu. I listened as she shared why she had left. Stu sat quietly,
appearing sad and withdrawn as she told her story.

"I'm exhausted from living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," she said
coldly. "I never know who I'm going to meet when I come home from work
at night, and just couldn't take it anymore. So I left."

"Do you know what she's talking about?" I said to Stu.

He shook his head, looking blankly at me, and then back at Carrie.
Carrie responded by shrugging her shoulders in obvious disgust.

"The smallest thing can set him off," Carrie continued. "A few weeks ago
he flew into a rage because he couldn't find his car keys. He started
swearing, accusing me of taking his keys. It's crazy and I can't take
it. Why does he treat me this way? I'd never think of treating my worst
enemy this way."

Stu sat quietly for a few more moments, staring at Carrie as she stared
back. I pressed in.

"Why do you treat her that way, Stu? She says you become angry over the
smallest things, and then blame her for anything. What's up with that?"

Still Stu sat silent. He seemed to not have a ready answer for our
piercing questions. I decided to see if I could help him.

"We've talked before Stu, about how you are like your father was when
you were growing up, living what you learned. As you described him, he
sounds a lot like you. When something goes wrong, blow up. When you are
frustrated, find someone to attack. Instead of taking responsibility,
blame problems on someone else. Does this sound familiar?"

Carrie nodded her head vigorously.

"It's always someone else's fault," Carrie said. Then she turned to me,
appearing sad and discouraged. "But why did I stay so long, letting him
abuse me? That's not right."

"It can be like the frog in the kettle," I explained, "where you're
always hoping things will get better, but they don't and you boil to
death. You tell yourself you can fix things, but you can't. We delude
ourselves in many ways."

"I want to stick and fix things," Carrie said. "Yeah, that's it. I want
to stick it out and try to fix things. I'm naturally a fixer, and it's
killing me."

Carrie was like so many other women I've worked with over the years.
Bright, energetic, enthusiastic, always wanting to make things work. Her
story was similar to an email I received recently.

Dear Dr. David,

I'm married to a wonderful man, but someone who can turn on me in a
minute. His moods are killing me. I walk on eggshells around him. I
never know when he's going to go into one of his moods, and I do
everything-and I mean everything, to make sure everything runs smoothly
around the house. In the meantime, I wonder what's happening to me. And,
he's not getting any better. What should I do when he loses his temper?
What should I do when he blames me for problems? Aren't I supposed to
love him unconditionally? What should a good Christian woman do when her
husband isn't acting like a good Christian man? Please help.

Both these women have been caught up in what one describes as stick and
fix-meaning, they're entire married life is taken up with sticking out a
troubling situation and doing everything they can possibly do to fix
things. Carrie decided she could no longer live this way, and doing so
would be unfair to herself, the children and even her husband.

What are the issues needing consideration?

First, be careful not to enable wrong behavior. Often we believe we're
doing good when in fact we're enabling troubling behavior. God never
intended for us to suffer needlessly. He is a God of order and of
consequences. Scripture tells us that "we reap what we sow." (Galatians
6: 7-8) To stick and fix is a recipe for disaster, enabling very
destructive behavior.

Second, not only is destructive behavior enabled, but growth cannot
occur in these circumstances. When we enable destructive behavior, we
also effectively limit growth. In both of these cases, the men have
never had to face the consequences of their controlling, angry
temperament. They've never had to grow up and learn to treat their mates
with dignity and respect.

Third, within this codependent relationship, your growth is also
stifled. By tiptoeing you don't learn to speak your truth. By guarding
yourself and maintaining your focus on your husband, you don't learn to
listen for ways God wants you to grow and change.

Fourth, by keeping a focus on your husband you maintain the illusion
that you can fix him, when you can't. You live in a fantasy world of
grandiosity. His problems are beyond your ability to change, and your
denial about this stifles your growth.

Finally, allowing him to face the consequences of your actions, (a
separation) you open yourself to an opportunity for growth. Sometimes it
takes creating a crisis for change. Change rarely comes in times of
peace and contentment, but rather in struggle and challenge. Taking
definite steps of actions against indignity and disrespect offers the
opportunity of real change and saving your marriage.