January 25, 2010

When Your Husband Struggles with Depression Take heart-there's hope for him and you. Cheri Fuller posted 9/01/2003 Several years ago, my husband, Holmes, began skipping meals and losingweight, eventually 25 pounds within three months. His laid-back,somewhat pensive temperament turned irritable and moody. Although hetypically was quiet about his feelings, Holmes became increasinglywithdrawn and didn't seem to enjoy things anymore. I knew Holmes was encountering tough times as a homebuilder in aflagging economy and a tanking stock market. But I kept hoping he'd perkup if he got another construction job. In the meantime, being ever theencourager, I tried everything I could think of to cheer him up. Ipointed out all the positive things he did, such as being a great dad orhelping other people. I encouraged Holmes to look ahead to a family tripwe'd planned, but that didn't help, either. As the months rolled intoyears, neither my encouraging words nor my hard work to take up theslack in our income seemed to make a difference. In 1995, roughly seven years after I first noticed my husband's struggles, our pastor realized from a conversation with Holmes that hewas suicidal. He immediately made Holmes an appointment with a doctorwho diagnosed him as having clinical depression. The physician told usHolmes probably had been depressed for years. Situational depressioncaused by the crushing pressures of Holmes's declining building businessin the late 1980s, compounded by a genetic predisposition to clinicaldepression on both sides of his family, had pushed him to the edge.Perhaps if I'd known the clues, Holmes could have gotten help before hisdepression had become full-blown. I've discovered I'm not the only woman who's experienced life with adepressed husband. With an unstable economy and corporate meltdowns,depression in males is on the rise. That means countless wives face thechallenge of trying to help a spouse who's in emotional turmoil. Butdepression doesn't have to bring down your entire family. There is help,there is hope, and there are ways you can support your spouse-andyourself. Caring for Your Husband If the dark cloud of depression overtakes your spouse, how can you helphim? Recognize the signs. It's important to distinguish between situationaldepression triggered by something such as a job layoff or demotion, andclinical depression. Situational depression involves some of the samesymptoms of clinical depression (see below), but they're of shorterduration and lower intensity. For example, if your husband's depressionis caused by discouragement over a job loss, within six months he shouldregroup, recover his enjoyment of life, and move on. However, accordingto Michael Navarro, a licensed psychotherapist, clinical depression'ssymptoms are more pronounced and last far longer. The absence ofpleasure in the activities your husband once enjoyed is greater; hismalaise, anger, or weight loss more substantial. If your husband experiences a majority of the symptoms of depression, heneeds professional help. Your family physician can determine what'sbiological and what's psychological; he may make a diagnosis of clinicaldepression and refer your spouse to a psychologist or psychiatrist fortherapy and medication. In Holmes's case, counseling and anantidepressant were helpful short-term, but since we didn't have themoney to continue therapy, his recovery process took much longer. (I'vesince learned many good therapists provide a sliding fee scale dependingon your financial condition.) How would you know if your husband needs to be hospitalized? If he'sseeing a doctor, his physician would make that recommendation. But hereare other clues that in-patient help is needed to stabilize your spouse:when he repeatedly cancels or doesn't show up for hisoutpatient/counseling appointments or refuses help; when he digressesinto a more nonfunctional state; or if he experiences severe weight lossor sudden gain. And-most important-if he makes statements such as, "Iwish I wasn't around," or "I think it's better if you collect myinsurance. You and the kids would be better off without me," whichindicate suicidal thinking. Accept and love your spouse. One of the most important things you can dofor your struggling mate is to let him know you still love and accepthim despite how he feels about himself. "I'm not saying accepting iseasy," says psychologist Archibald Hart, author of Dark Clouds, SilverLinings. "But you have to accept the reality of the problem. It's therewhether you like it or not, and your responsibility is to communicatelove and acceptance in whatever way you possibly can." This couldinclude a loving touch or hug, or gentle encouragement through a card ormeaningful gift. During one of Holmes's darkest days, he said, "We-and I-may never behappy again; you'd be better off leaving." I went in the other room,wept, and prayed for strength and the right response. A short timelater, I sat down by Holmes, held his hand, and said, "Even if we'renever happy again, it's just not all about happiness; it's about lovingeach other and being together. I'm committed to you for the rest of ourlives. I'm not going anywhere." Although we had huge hills yet to climb,that was a turning point for us. And in that particular response, Holmesfelt unconditionally loved and accepted right where he was. Encourage exercise. While physical exercise can be an extra challenge tothose struggling with depression, the endorphins it provides create anatural mood-lifter. So gently encourage your husband to go for a walkwith you after dinner as many nights as he's willing, or to work out ata gym or do whatever activity he enjoys most when he feels up to it.When my husband and I took our evening walks, he sometimes would openup. One night as we walked, I asked Holmes to give me a word picture ofhow he felt. "I feel like a vine's wrapping itself around me; that it began at myfeet and now is almost up to my neck, choking me," he described. It washard to hear how terrible he felt, but it helped me connect with him andunderstand a little of what he was going through. Realize anger often accompanies depression. But don't allow your husbandto disrespect or abuse you or your children. Be available to listen, butavoid trying to be his therapist. "A mate's role is primarily one ofsupport. The main therapeutic work needs to be done by a professional,"says Hart. Whether your husband's anger is rooted in grief and loss issues,unresolved childhood issues, failure, or job loss, he needs someone withwhom to talk. One counselor I know has her clients list ten thingsthey're angry about when they come in for therapy because she's foundthat underneath most depression is anger over something. Encourage fellowship with other men. When Carrie's husband, Jeremy, wentthrough a depressive period after a job loss, a small group of friendsmet with him weekly over coffee to be his sounding board for hisjob-hunting. They also kept him in their prayers during the difficultmonths. Their support was invaluable to his recovery and the new careerdirection he found. Avoid using words that make him feel worse. A man in the doldrums ofdepression doesn't need to hear, "How can you be depressed with all Godhas done in our lives?" (He's probably already feeling as though no oneunderstands, and this just confirms it.) Avoid preaching: "Just readyour Bible more and get right with God, and your depression will goaway." Refrain from belittling him or comparing him to others as in, "You know,Brian took St. John's Wort and he bounced back from his depression inonly three months." Also avoid saying, "Look on the bright side. Countyourself lucky and cheer up," which makes him feel guilty. One woman Iknow purposed to praise her husband for the baby steps he took inlearning to trust God in the darkness, and didn't blurt out, "I thoughtyou already knew that!" when he shared insights with her. Caring for Yourself I became so emotionally and physically depleted during my husband'sdepression that I began suffering from severe insomnia. While workingovertime, I parented our teens and worried about our financial situationand my husband. Sometimes I felt abandoned by Holmes -emotionally, atleast. Eventually I realized I harbored some anger as well. Somesessions with a counselor and later a small support group helped metremendously. If you get support and deal with your issues, you'll be healthieremotionally and thus better able to help your husband and children. Hereare some ways: Ask for help. When Brenda's husband, Daryle, needed to be hospitalizedfor severe depression, she didn't think to ask her brother or pastor toaccompany her. She drove Daryle the three hours to the center byherself. Mile after mile he protested, "I'm going home. I'm not going to thehospital. The bank will pull the loans if I'm gone. The company will gounder. We'll lose everything." After Brenda got her husband in thehospital and almost collapsed from exhaustion, she realized she couldn'tdo everything alone. She found a student teacher to live with her familytemporarily to help with her children and take them to school. Brendalearned to ask others for help. In the same way, you may need help froma support group or prayer partners, and assistance with your children. Consider counseling with your husband's therapist, because frequentlythe wife feels responsible for her husband's depression. Find onetrusted friend with whom you can cry, be real, and pray. Flo Perkins, anelderly friend whose husband had suffered with chronic depression, wasmy lifesaver. Flo understood, listened, prayed for me, and encouraged merepeatedly. She passed on the comfort with which God had comforted her(2 Corinthians 1:3-4). From her I learned the invaluable truth that Icould give the Lord all my troubles and entrust my husband to his care. Don't keep secrets. When Liz's husband's life crashed around him due toclinical depression, they went from being pillars in their ruralcommunity to being under the lowest rock. He lost his profession, hisreputation, his earning power, and his hope as he lived for six longyears in a state of depression. One of the best things they did wasendeavor to keep open communication with each other and their kids. Theyheld family councils and talked over what was happening inage-appropriate ways, praying together during crises and ongoingstruggles. A word of caution: It's best to clear this kind of family meeting firstwith your husband, perhaps by saying, "You've always been such a lovingdad. Could you help me talk to the kids about your depression to letthem know it's not their fault, and that we're all going to be healingtogether?" Avoid saying, "Your depression's hurting our children,messing their lives up, and making life hard," which only will make himfeel worse. If he prefers, you could sit down with your children aloneand explain the nature of depression and that you'll help them cope withtheir dad's condition. Your kids may need to talk to someone such as a youth pastor orcounselor who can help them sort through their feelings. They also needto know they always can come to you to talk about the situation. Remind yourself of God's truth. When Brenda was beset by fears, timeafter time she told herself the truths that restored her stability: thatGod would never leave or forsake her (Hebrews 13:5); that he promisedher his grace when she was weak (2 Corinthians 12:10); and that Godsomehow would weave everything-even this depression-into a pattern forgood (Romans 8:28). "So often we try to force our way out of a crisis," Brenda says."Instead, I began to embrace the situation and say, 'Okay, God, what doyou want me to learn in this? How do you want me to change? And what areyou going to accomplish in my husband and family through this difficulttime?'" As she focused on God, Brenda saw him working through Daryle'shospitalization, the friends who surrounded Daryle, and the spiritualgrowth they as a couple experienced. Before, Daryle had been Brenda'srock; through this experience, Brenda learned to depend more on God. Andas Daryle recovered, he developed an effective ministry with hurtingpeople and a special sensitivity to those suffering from depression. Take "mini-vacations." During the six years her husband was depressed,Liz learned to create brief getaways from her family difficulties. Sincethey were financially challenged, Liz took long walks through thecountryside, singing hymns and praise choruses, sometimes crying bucketsof tears and other times stopping to journal her feelings. She litscented candles at home and took bubble baths to relax. She planned funactivities for her children-picnics, outings to the state park, zoo, andmovies, and occasional trips to the grandparents-and carried them outwithout her husband's participation when he couldn't even fake theenergy to be involved. These short breaks refueled Liz for thechallenges she faced. Let prayer be your lifeline. "Praying for those we love who aredepressed is our best hope," says Gerry Mensch, who not only survivedher own depression but her husband's as well. "Antidepressants can help,but some in the grip of depression refuse to seek help. When God beginsto work in their hearts, he'll accomplish more than we or medicationever can." If your husband won't go for counseling, start praying he'llwake up and ask for assistance, or that God will put a man in his lifeto steer him toward help. Throughout Holmes's depression, my lifeline was praying Scriptures forhim such as Joel 2:25, which asks God to restore the wasted years;Colossians 1:9-12, to give my husband direction; Isaiah 61:1-3, to lifthis heaviness of despair and replace it with praise and joy; and 1 Peter4:8, to fill me with the love that covers a multitude of sins. It took several years for Holmes to recover from depression, and as weprayed together, we experienced God's grace for every situation wefaced. Prayer strengthened our marriage when we were weak, and remindedus again and again of God's love. While Holmes's recovery wasn't quick,God always was faithful. Although medication and counseling helped,God's healing power and his Word kept us together. Today, when I see Holmes smile as he holds one of our fivegrandchildren, sense his sheer enjoyment of an American history coursehe recently took at a local university, or experience the fun ofstrolling on the beach together, I'm grateful for where he is now. I'mthankful for the things we learned and the comfort we received from Godand others. I'm also glad we have a chance to share what we learned withothers going through depression. Cheri Fuller, a TCW regular contributor, is a speaker and author whoselatest book is Fearless: Building a Faith That Overcomes Your Fear(Revell). Check out her website at www.cherifuller.com. Warning Signs Your spouse may be depressed if he: Sleeps too much or too little; wakes frequently throughout the night. Is persistently sad or has a flat, empty mood. Experiences increased anxiety, restlessness, difficulty concentrating,fatigue, and/or decreased energy. Exhibits physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, or otherchronic pain that doesn't respond to treatment. Experiences appetite loss, weight loss, or sudden weight gain. Has suicidal thoughts. Feels hopeless, pessimistic, worthless, a failure. Is irrational in his thinking or has difficulty making decisions. -C.F. Copyright 2003 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today'sChristian Woman magazine.